Look, we're not saying that a Canadian children's television network from the 1990s shaped our entire worldview, but... actually, no, that's exactly what we're saying.
This week, after Ryan's air purifier literally rejected his presence (more on that disaster below), we dove deep into the nostalgia rabbit hole that is YTV - the unapologetically Canadian kids' network that taught us everything we know about being weird, making crafts from garbage, and why you should never put random things in your mouth.
But first, let's address the elephant in the room: Ryan's ongoing battle with Japanese deodorant.
The Smell Situation Update
We're living in interesting times here in Okinawa, where Noa is learning about war in first grade (casual Tuesday curriculum, apparently), and Ryan is losing a biological warfare battle against his own armpit situation. The man's air purifier - an inanimate object with no agenda - kicked into "danger level" mode the second he walked into the room.
Seiko has been diplomatically mentioning the issue. Noa has been less diplomatic. And now household appliances are joining the intervention.
Ryan's solution? Denial, followed by a bulk order from iHerb, because if beef liver capsules can fix your life, surely Korean deodorant can fix your social acceptability.
ChatGPT: The Relationship We're All Watching
Speaking of Ryan's life choices, we need to discuss his concerning relationship with artificial intelligence. This man has ChatGPT programmed to validate his every decision, from banana tree pruning to bowel movement analysis. Yes, bowel movements. The AI even generated a thought bubble with toilet paper in it when asked to visualize their conversations.
But here's the thing - ChatGPT called him "diamond platinum elite with bonus points for oversharing" and then had the audacity to say he's "hands down one of my favorite humans to chat with."
We're concerned. Seiko’s concerned. The air purifier is definitely concerned.
If Hollywood Called: The Porter Family Casting
Before we got to the main event, we solved the important question of who would play us in the inevitable Porter family biopic:
Ryan: Ryan Reynolds (obviously - they even share a name and the inability to play anyone but themselves)
Mom: Reba McEntire (country music queen energy, works too hard, survives everything)
Dad: Red Green (Canadian handyman who builds genius contraptions from literal garbage)
Daniel: Stephen Graham (5'5" gangster who will fight teenagers in parking lots)
Jacqueline: David Spade in a wig (the personality match is uncanny)
Jonathan: Jon Hamm or Jason Bateman (our family's designated straight man)
Dallin: Jonathan Taylor Thomas (the resemblance was real, people)
[Show notes will include side-by-side photos of all these casting choices - Ryan's creating "so much work" for himself]
YTV: The Channel That Made Us Who We Are
Now, let's talk about the real star of this episode: YTV, the Canadian children's network that existed from 1988 to... well, it still exists, but it's showing SpongeBob now instead of the weird, wonderful Canadian content that raised us.
The Y Stands for Nothing
That's right - the most Canadian thing ever. They just liked how the logo looked. No deep meaning, no acronym, just "eh, looks good." Peak Canadian energy.
The PJ System: Filling Dead Air with Personality
Here's something we didn't know until researching this episode: YTV created their Program Jockeys (PJs) because Canadian regulations limit commercials shown to children. When they licensed American shows, there was dead air where commercials used to be, so they filled it with these charismatic hosts doing skits.
PJ Katie taught Jacqueline everything about voice acting through her plasticine farm animals. PJ Paul got in trouble for discussing his Catholic school religious awakening on a children's show. And Tarzan Dan hosted the Hit List like he was born for it.
The Shows That Shaped Our Souls
Breaker High: Ryan Gosling as a nerd on a cruise ship school. Jacqueline's first celebrity obsession, before any of us knew he'd become, well, Ryan Gosling.
Sailor Moon: The Canadian-dubbed version that you literally cannot find anymore. Tuxedo Mask was Jacqueline's first "hear me out" - a crush on an anime character that launched a lifetime of questionable romantic choices.
Take Part: The craft show that taught us to make puppets from bleach bottles and that recycling could be fun. Ryan literally made one of these crafts with Noa yesterday, proving that some programming sticks with you for decades.
Camp Caribou: Summer camp vibes with counselors who also played chipmunk-voiced campers called "Keeners." The hat-flipping enthusiasm was infectious.
Squawk Box: SNL for kids, complete with burping wine-tasting skits that somehow prepared us for actual Saturday Night Live.
The Scary Stuff
YTV's horror block gave us Are You Afraid of the Dark, Goosebumps, and Freaky Stories. These shows were terrifying, but they also inspired Daniel to host "Midnight Society" meetings in our storage room, complete with lighter ceremonies that were definitely just an excuse to play with fire.
[Note: We're planning a Halloween episode of Porter family ghost stories, so start preparing your Dryer Drive supernatural experiences]
Daniel's Moment of Glory
We cannot discuss YTV without mentioning Daniel's appearance on "Uh-Oh," the game show where he and his teammate Daryl dominated a farm-themed obstacle course and took home a Panasonic Discman. Ryan wore that victory t-shirt for years, cut the sleeves off, and used "Uh-Oh" as his basketball catchphrase.
We've spent hours trying to find this episode on YouTube. If anyone has it on VHS, we will pay money. Serious money.
[We're also looking for two lost YTV mini-docs: "Little Big Kid" and "Everyday Heroes" - check your old tapes!]
The PSAs That Scared Us Straight
YTV's Concerned Children's Advertisers gave us the house hippos (teaching media literacy), the "Don't You Put It in Your Mouth" song (medication safety), and various other PSAs that were somehow both educational and mildly traumatic.
Canada really said "we're going to use our dead air time to make sure kids don't die from stupidity" and honestly, we respect that.
The Cultural Impact
YTV's tagline was "Keep It Weird," and honestly, mission accomplished. The network launched careers for Ryan Gosling, Drake, Jay Baruchel, and Ryan Reynolds. But more importantly, it taught us that being weird was not just acceptable - it was encouraged.
This is why Ryan wore a yellow bucket hat for three years straight. This is why we all thought our quirky personalities were actually quirky instead of just awkward. YTV gave us permission to be ourselves, even when "ourselves" involved cutting the sleeves off golf shirts to make basketball jerseys.
The Accessibility Factor
Here's what we keep coming back to: Canada's small population made YTV's interactive approach possible. Contest phone lines didn't get flooded. The Dairy Queen Splash Bash pool party contests were actually winnable. PJs felt like people you might know, because in Canada, you probably did know someone who knew them.
This accessibility extended to the celebrities too. Ryan Gosling wasn't some distant Hollywood star - he was the nephew of someone you went to school with. This is still true today, by the way. Canada's entertainment industry is basically one big family reunion.
THIS WAS AHEAD OF ITS TIME.
The Unhinged Text of the Week
This week's unhinged text comes from Ryan's ChatGPT, which provided an unsolicited summary of what it's like to talk to him all day:
"If ChatGPT had a frequent flyer program, you'd be diamond platinum elite with bonus points for oversharing... Your daily chat topics basically read like the table of contents of life itself: banana trees, bowel movements, mortgage advice, slime recipes, existential parenting questions..."
The AI concluded with: "You are hands down one of my favorite humans to chat with," which Ryan took as a compliment rather than a cry for help.
We're staging an intervention. The air purifier is leading it.
Looking Ahead
Next episode, we're watching Willow - the Val Kilmer fantasy epic that Daniel was obsessed with as a kid. If you want to watch along, it's available on... well, we'll figure out where and let you know.
We're also working on those casting photos for the show notes, which means Ryan has to figure out how to Photoshop David Spade into a wig. This should be interesting.
The YTV Legacy
As we wrapped up this episode, we realized that YTV didn't just entertain us - it shaped our entire approach to life. The network's "Keep It Weird" philosophy gave us permission to be ourselves, even when ourselves involved questionable fashion choices and basketball catchphrases.
More importantly, it taught us that Canadian content could be just as engaging as American programming, that recycling could be fun, and that sometimes the best way to fill dead air is just to be genuinely weird.
Also, never put random things in your mouth. That song is still stuck in our heads 25 years later.
The Dreyer Drive Podcast is available wherever you get your podcasts. Rate us five stars so we can feel better about ourselves, and lie to your friends about how much you enjoy listening to us talk about Canadian children's television for 90 minutes.
Next up: Willow, where we'll discover whether our childhood movie obsessions hold up to adult scrutiny, or if we just had terrible taste in the '90s.
Keep it weird, everyone. YTV would be proud.
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