Something has been deeply bothering Jacqueline for approximately 2,000 years (give or take).
Everyone knows Cleopatra. She’s literally one of the most famous women in history, mostly made famous by Tal Bachman’s “She’s So High” . But here’s the thing nobody talks about: Cleopatra had a little sister who was an absolute menace.
Her name was Arsinoe, and at age 10—ten years old—she raised an entire army and chased Julius Caesar out of Egypt. And we’re all just supposed to act like Cleopatra is the only one who deserves a line about her in a random pop song from the 90s?
The Ptolemaic Dynasty: Or, “When Your Family Tree Looks Like a Wreath”
First, let’s blow our minds with a fact that will make us rethink everything: Cleopatra was born closer to the invention of the iPhone than to the building of the pyramids.
Done? Good. Because it gets weirder.
Cleopatra wasn’t even Egyptian. She was Macedonian. Part of the Ptolemaic dynasty that ruled Egypt for about 275 years. And this family had some interesting traditions. Like, you know how some families have a secret cookie recipe they pass down? The Ptolemies passed down a little tradition of siblings marrying each other to keep the bloodline “pure.” Not unpacking any further.
But here’s what they also passed down: the most unhinged sibling rivalry in recorded history.
When “I’m Telling Mom” Escalates Into Warfare
Picture this: You’re 18 years old. Your dad just died. You’ve married your 14-year-old brother (again, not unpacking this), and you’re now co-ruling Egypt. Your older sister already tried to overthrow your dad and got executed for it. Your two younger siblings—a brother and a 10-year-old sister—think you’re making terrible decisions by being friendly with the Romans.
What do you do?
If you’re Cleopatra, you kick them out of court. If you’re Arsinoe (the 10-year-old), you raise an army.
The Real MVP: A Fourth Grader With Main Character Energy
Let’s talk about Arsinoe for a second because Jacqueline thinks she deserves her own Disney+ series (but, like, the gritty kind they make now, not the sanitized stuff from our childhood).
At age 10, while most of us were ratting on our siblings for eating the last Tim Hortons donut and crying because our older brother wouldn’t stop calling you “crusty the snowman” even though Christmas was 7 months ago, Arsinoe was:
Building political alliances
Rallying support from Egyptian citizens who wanted Egypt to stand on its own
Commanding military forces
Successfully cornering Julius Caesar in a lighthouse until he had to wave a surrender flag and *dive into the ocean* to escape
Read that last one again. A ten-year-old made Julius Caesar, the most powerful man in Rome, the guy who literally has a salad named after him, run away.
When Your Siblings Form an Alliance Against You
Here’s where it gets really familiar for anyone who grew up with siblings that they didn’t eventually marry. Cleopatra and her younger brother Ptolemy XIII are ruling together (well, Cleopatra’s ruling and he’s just kind of... there, being 14). Meanwhile, Arsinoe and the other brother, Ptolemy XIV, team up against them (this is the part that should feel familiar. Not being the one in charge of your brother-husband and your dynasty).
This is the exact same dynamic as when you and your closest-in-age sibling would control what everyone watched on TV, and the younger ones would stage a rebellion. Except instead of arguing over whether to watch Aladdin or Flight of the Navigator for the 47th time, they’re fighting for control of Egypt.
The Alexandrians loved Arsinoe. She represented this Egypt-first mentality, this idea that they didn’t need Rome, that they could stand on their own. She was declared queen by her supporters. For a brief, glorious moment, this kid was actually winning.
But here’s the thing about sibling rivalries in the ancient world: they didn’t end with someone getting sent to their room or being forced to pick up the “dog dirt” in the backyard.
The Part Where It Gets Dark (AKA: Maybe Don’t Use This as Family Bonding Inspo)
Eventually, Cleopatra and Julius Caesar came back with reinforcements. They killed Ptolemy XIV (Cleopatra literally poisoned him…sisterly love at its finest). They captured Arsinoe and took her back to Rome where Julius Caesar planned to execute her publicly as a warning to anyone who dared oppose him.
But here’s where it gets interesting-er: The Roman people wouldn’t let him do it. She was too young. The public was outraged at the idea of executing a child, even one who’d given their greatest general the fight of his life. So instead, they put her in sanctuary at the Temple of Artemis.
For years, Arsinoe stayed there, protected by the ancient rules of religious sanctuary. She couldn’t be touched as long as she remained in the temple.
Until one day, mysteriously, she was led out onto the temple steps and murdered.
Everyone believed Cleopatra was behind it. By this point, Julius Caesar was dead, and Cleopatra had moved on to Mark Antony (the Roman one, not J.Lo’s ex). With Arsinoe still alive, there was always the possibility she could rally support again, could challenge Cleopatra’s rule. So they eliminated the threat.
Arsinoe was probably between 18 and 22 years old when she died.
What Growing Up in a Small House With No Central Air Actually Teaches You
Soooooo I’m not saying growing up on Dreyer Drive was anything like growing up in Ptolemaic Egypt. We had our share of sibling, dare I say, “warfare”… the daily dishwashing battles that made every night feel like an episode of Survivor, the way we’d slam cabinet doors and stomp around with feet that suddenly weighed 700 pounds when we were mad, the fact that we all had tiny little corn teeth because orthodontia was for billionaires.
But here’s what struck me about this whole Cleopatra story: sibling rivalry is literally a tale as old as time. We can trace it back thousands of years. Whether you’re fighting over who gets to be the Red Power Ranger or who gets to rule Egypt, the dynamics are weirdly similar.
I was scrolling through Reddit threads about siblings before we recorded this (because apparently that’s what I do for fun now), and I found this comment that absolutely sent me: “When was it that you realized your siblings don’t care about you?” And someone responded: “When I realized I had a whole family WhatsApp that I’m not a part of.”
Could you imagine? You’re just living your life, and then you glance at your mom’s phone and see her Memoji laughing at memes in a group chat you didn’t know existed. That’s “we’ve formed an alliance and you’re not in it” energy. That’s our modern-day Arsinoe.
The Thing About Leaving Home
There’s this Noah Kahn song (and if you don’t know who that is, join me in the “I-Don’t-Know-Pop-Culture-and-Often-Mispronounce-Simple-Vocabulary” club) about wanting to go back and “fist fight in the glow of the TV again.” It’s about leaving home on bad terms with your siblings and then realizing later that you actually miss those ridiculous arguments.
And that’s the thing, right? Those sibling rivalries, the fighting over the family stereo, the passive-aggressive dish-slamming, the way we’d all stomp around the house broadcasting our bad moods, those were actually weird moments of connection. We were so comfortable with each other that we could be our worst selves and know we’d still be family tomorrow, and that most likely, we wouldn’t have to worry about being assassinated when we step out for school in the morning.
Maybe if Cleopatra and Arsinoe had just had a little space, maybe if one of them moved to Utah, and the other to Okinawa Japan, they would have looked back on their wars fondly. “Hey, remember that time you raised an army against me? Good times. Wanna grab coffee?” Who knows? Maybe they would’ve even started a podcast together?
(Okay, probably not. One of them definitely would have poisoned the coffee.)
What I’m Taking Away From This (Besides A Very Slight Renewed Appreciation for My Siblings)
The thing is, when you grow up in a house where you can hear everything, where there’s no privacy, where someone is always eating your food, or taking your Bart Simpson “Don’t have a cow man!” t-shirt or taking your last package of the garbage gum, where you have to negotiate for every single thing from TV time to whose turn it is to sit in the front seat, you learn some things:
Your siblings are not guaranteed allies (though sometimes they surprise you)
Favoritism is real and we’re all still processing it (I’m definitely mom’s favorite and Jacquline is still mad about it)
The ability to go off-script in social situations was never properly taught to us and we’re all just out here winging it with varying degrees of failure
Sometimes the best thing you can do is get some distance and perspective
I’m not saying I want to go back to fighting in the basement, or having my back slammed against the knob-less dimmer switch in the dining room. I don’t want to have one more argument about who has to do the dishes while slamming plates into cupboards with the force of a small earthquake. I don’t want to be 11 years old again, navigating the complex social hierarchies of a house with five kids and a single toilet.
But I’m glad we all made it out alive. I’m glad none of us raised armies (though honestly, with some of our personalities, it was probably a close call). And I’m glad that our version of sibling rivalry involved stolen food and passive-aggressive behavior rather than... you know, actual warfare, poison, and murder.
The Modern Ptolemy Experience
These days, our sibling drama looks different. It’s me sending a creeper photo of a stranger at a sushi restaurant because my wife thinks the guy looks like our brother Jonathan (he didn’t, by the way, maybe 40% resemblance, and that was being generous). It’s Jacqueline being a beauty pageant queen at a youth camp with fake implants made from water-filled gloves that she threw into the crowd like water balloons, ruining the sound equipment and getting scolded by an adult (there’s nothing worse than getting in trouble as an adult, by the way).
It’s all of us on a family text thread, sharing these ridiculous moments, roasting each other with the kind of casual cruelty that only comes from deep, unshakeable trauma love.
That’s what Cleopatra and Arsinoe were missing. They needed a family group chat. They needed someone to send them a meme at 2am that would make them wheeze-laugh so hard they’d forget what they were even fighting about.
Or maybe they just needed to stop marrying their siblings, and their dad to stop executing their sisters and setting this whole dysfunctional dynamic in motion. That probably would have helped too.
---
So here’s my question for you: What’s the most ridiculous thing you ever fought with your siblings about? And looking back, do you miss those fights, or are you good with the peace and quiet?
Drop your stories in the comments. And if you enjoyed this completely bizarre journey through ancient history meets modern sibling dynamics, subscribe to The Dreyer Drive podcast wherever you get your podcasts. Leave us a 5-star rating while you’re at it, we promise to use our powers for good and not for raising armies.
